Upcoming Surgery and the Feelings It Brings

Surgery is scheduled for Friday the 21st. I am unsure of the time yet, but I am nervous just the same. I am nervous for several reasons. First of all, I have not been billed for the surgery that I had last year. I don't want to get up there and them tell me that I owe all of this money and that I can't have the surgery unless I pay X amount of dollars up front. They are currently appealing my insurance's decision on how much they paid out. The bill was over $100 thousand dollars and insurance only paid like $16,000. That makes me very nervous. 

Another reason I am nervous is because this is going to be an extensive surgery. They are going to unadhere my uterus from my rectum before they can remove it. Now mind you, this uterus is being over run by adenomyosis (endometriosis that has penetrated the uterine muscle), and has proven to be not only useless, but extremely painful. Then they have to disconnect one of my ovaries from my bowel and take it out. The other ovary is (suspected to be) attached to my uterus, so don't know how that is going to work. Then there are all the other adhesions and endometriosis that he wasn't able to get during my last surgery due to the size and position of my uterus. There is so much that they expect to find this time, that it scares me a little. The first surgery that I had with Dr Dulemba they didn't expect to find very much. When he got in there he said that it was much worse than he had suspected. 

I am also nervous because I know that this needs to be done in order to have even a chance at some kind of a normal life. I also know that I feel like I am giving up. I will be 33 next month and I wanted to be a mother so badly. I wanted to make my husband a father. We are not rich people. My husband works very hard and we don't spend beyond our means, but still live paycheck to paycheck. I don't know if we will be able to adopt. I sometimes wonder why I can't be stronger and learn to deal with the pain a little better, so that maybe I won't feel like I have failed or given up on a very important dream. 

I know that I am not alone in the way that I feel. I know that I am not the only one that is about to have all of this done to me. If only none of us had to experience this. If only a cure could be found, then we wouldn't have to suffer needlessly or have to give up on the dream of having children. 

My surgery date is in 5 days. It is Sunday afternoon and I am sure that by this time Friday, I will be free of my uterus and ovaries. The hope is that it gives me enough relief so that I can start enjoying my life again. I can begin cleaning my house, and going grocery shopping, and most of all, having a relationship with my husband. The only reason that I have chosen this path is so that I can actually start living my life and enjoying the life that I was given with my husband. He has sacrificed so much of his life in order to take care of me. I would like to return the favor. He deserves that and so much more. The decision was not an easy one, but a necessary one none the less. I hope that these feelings of failure subside, but in the meantime, I will remember why I am doing this. I will remember that I am lucky to be blessed with an understanding spouse, a roof over my head, and a life worth living.