Upcoming Surgery and the Feelings It Brings

Surgery is scheduled for Friday the 21st. I am unsure of the time yet, but I am nervous just the same. I am nervous for several reasons. First of all, I have not been billed for the surgery that I had last year. I don't want to get up there and them tell me that I owe all of this money and that I can't have the surgery unless I pay X amount of dollars up front. They are currently appealing my insurance's decision on how much they paid out. The bill was over $100 thousand dollars and insurance only paid like $16,000. That makes me very nervous. 

Another reason I am nervous is because this is going to be an extensive surgery. They are going to unadhere my uterus from my rectum before they can remove it. Now mind you, this uterus is being over run by adenomyosis (endometriosis that has penetrated the uterine muscle), and has proven to be not only useless, but extremely painful. Then they have to disconnect one of my ovaries from my bowel and take it out. The other ovary is (suspected to be) attached to my uterus, so don't know how that is going to work. Then there are all the other adhesions and endometriosis that he wasn't able to get during my last surgery due to the size and position of my uterus. There is so much that they expect to find this time, that it scares me a little. The first surgery that I had with Dr Dulemba they didn't expect to find very much. When he got in there he said that it was much worse than he had suspected. 

I am also nervous because I know that this needs to be done in order to have even a chance at some kind of a normal life. I also know that I feel like I am giving up. I will be 33 next month and I wanted to be a mother so badly. I wanted to make my husband a father. We are not rich people. My husband works very hard and we don't spend beyond our means, but still live paycheck to paycheck. I don't know if we will be able to adopt. I sometimes wonder why I can't be stronger and learn to deal with the pain a little better, so that maybe I won't feel like I have failed or given up on a very important dream. 

I know that I am not alone in the way that I feel. I know that I am not the only one that is about to have all of this done to me. If only none of us had to experience this. If only a cure could be found, then we wouldn't have to suffer needlessly or have to give up on the dream of having children. 

My surgery date is in 5 days. It is Sunday afternoon and I am sure that by this time Friday, I will be free of my uterus and ovaries. The hope is that it gives me enough relief so that I can start enjoying my life again. I can begin cleaning my house, and going grocery shopping, and most of all, having a relationship with my husband. The only reason that I have chosen this path is so that I can actually start living my life and enjoying the life that I was given with my husband. He has sacrificed so much of his life in order to take care of me. I would like to return the favor. He deserves that and so much more. The decision was not an easy one, but a necessary one none the less. I hope that these feelings of failure subside, but in the meantime, I will remember why I am doing this. I will remember that I am lucky to be blessed with an understanding spouse, a roof over my head, and a life worth living. 

Learning to smile

Today something happened that made me really think and appreciate what has been given to me. When living with endometriosis it is so easy to lose sight of what I am thankful for. It is easy to see all the things that I can't do and what endo has taken from me. I sit and feel guilty for not being able to clean my house the way I should, be affectionate with my husband, or even go to the store and walk around. I forget that there are many things in life that I can be happy about, even when I am hurting. 

So my husband and I were heading to Walmart, to get some groceries, and he said he was so happy to finally see a smile on my face again. It kind of hit me hard, like when you are punched in the gut and can't catch your breath. I realized in that moment, and I think even more as I am writing this, that I had let the Endo take away my joy. I used to make jokes, the kind of jokes that made normal conversation into something a little raunchy. I used to smile so big my cheeks would hurt. I grew up in not the best of circumstances and so I appreciate all of the little things. I am easily amused and it doesn't take much to thrill the life out of me. Somewhere I have forgotten to continue to be me. 

My husband has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He does everything in his power to make me feel special, important, and loved. No one in my life has ever been so selfless when it comes to me. He puts me first and he is so understanding and kind when it comes to living with a wife that is so ill. 

I am soon going to be having a hysterectomy and having both ovaries removed, and he knows how much I am struggling with it. He knows I make jokes and when I am hurting I tell him that it can't get done fast enough, but I am having a hard time with the fact that I can't make him a daddy. We have a truck that is getting up there in miles and fter my surgery in April we had to travel 3 hours home in the truck and it hurt so bad. He kept apologizing for every bump he hit, and looked at me with such concern, it made me feel so bad for putting him through that. So, he came up with a solution, and he bought me a car. It is a 2011 Hyundai Sonata GLS and has so many bells and whistles, that I am giddy every time I figure something else out. On the way to get groceries he was happy because he had figured out a way to make me smile over and over again. He had figured out a way to make trips to the grocery store, to visit family, and trips to the doctor more comfortable. He got to see me smiling instead of crying and that brought him such joy. 

When we arrived home, we put away the groceries, and started cooking dinner. I told him thank you for everything that he does for me. I also apologized for not being a better wife and costing him so much money in the process. I told him that I feel so bad that I can't repay him for all he does for me. His response was exceptionally sweet. He told me that I do a lot and that I make him happy and that is enough for him. He asked me if he is understanding enough. I almost fell apart, but I held it together and told him that he was beyond understanding. My husband grabbed me and kissed me with such passion. He told me, without saying a word, how much he loves and appreciates me. He made me feel so special and loved.

I grew up thinking that I wasn't worth loving or sticking around for. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and I was told that regularly. I didn't know that someone could love me the way that I love them. I didn't know that sense of security or feeling like there was no better place than home. I truly didn't know that someone could love me just the way I am or that unconditional love truly existed. Today it was driven home how much I know, understand and feel all of those things. With a few simple words spoken by the person that has taught me so much, I realized that the endometriosis was taking more than it deserves. My husband deserves a wife that smiles, laughs, and makes him giggle when I twist what he says. 😊 He deserves a wife that finds reasons to smile, even on the days that I feel like doing anything but. I may not be able to do all the things I want for him, but I can learn to not let the endometriosis take away the things that make him so happy. 

Living with this illness is more than just trying at times. It can make me feel like there is no end to the pain and that there is not much more than I can take. It has taken my ability to have my husbands child, but I can't let it take away the relationship that I have waited my whole life for. I can't continue to let it take away the person that he fell for. In the year to come I am going to do my very best to show my husband that he gives me plenty of reasons to smile. I don't smile because he buys me things, I smile because he does everything in his power to help me live with endo. He tries his best to help me deal with the pain and figure out ways to ease it. I smile because he makes me feel like I am loved and wanted and there is no other feeling like that in the world. I smile because he has given me a place that truly is a home. I smile because he fights endometriosis right along beside me, hand in hand. I smile because he loves me enough to want to make me smile. 

I have a goal to not let the endo take away anymore than it already has. I won't let it continue to take away who I am. I will fight to raise awareness, to show my support, and to smile more often. I wish that everyone could be as blessed as I have been. As much as the endometriosis has taken, it has given me a lot too. I have been given a man that truly loves me and many sisters that support and understand me. I will look for the things that this illness has given me instead of focusing on what it has taken away. I hope that my endosisters and their friends and family can join me in matching this goal.💛   

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