So, now for the reason for this post. Endometriosis doesn't just affect women during that time of the month. It messes with so many other bodily functions throughout the entire month. It can affect sleep patterns, mood, and cause bowel issues, just to name a few. I live with all three of the above.
My sleep patterns are so wonky that I never know if I am going to be able to sleep or if I can stay awake. Am I going to be able to sleep for more than an hour at a time? Am I going to sleep for 10 hours and still feel like I haven't slept enough? Most of the time I am awake until 3 or 4 am. My stomach tends to think that night time is the best time to be a bother.
My bowel issue is constipation. I have adhesions that adhere my uterus to my rectum and my ovaries to my sigmoid and cecum. When I have bowel moving through my intestines, it is hard and feels jagged, and feels like it is scraping against my uterus, ovaries, and the back of my vaginal wall. (If you can imagine something scraping its way through your intestines and hitting your organs on its way through, you can just imagine how much it can hurt.) I have spoken with my endo specialist, Dr Dulemba, and he is almost positive that some of my adhesions have returned. It is extremely hard for me to get the bowel out. Since my intestines are being pulled in directions they aren't meant to go, you can understand why it would be hard to squeeze it out. The pain and pressure tends to keep me in a bind (punt intended) most of the time. The cramping can be unbearable. I feel diarrhea cramps and feel like I really need to rush to the bathroom, only to sit on the toilet and cry because I am unable to go and it hurts to try.
Dealing with the mood swings. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety. I couldn't possibly figure out why I would have severe anxiety (sarcasm, of course). It isn't like I have lived with severe pain, been dismissed by tons of doctors, or had to live with the fact that I can't live my life.
I have survived a lot in my life. That is the thing that probably pisses me off the most. I was an abused child, physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. Childhood was something I watched everyone else have. Now I watch as everyone else has a life as an adult. Pain has always been a factor in my life and I thought that once I grew up I could escape the pain that I had to endure as a child. Endometriosis took that dream from me. It tends to make you angry, sad, hopeless, and makes you feel guilty.
I am lucky to have an understanding husband. He is beyond supportive. For over 7 years he has watched as this illness has taken more and more of our life from us. He goes to work everyday of the week and then comes home and does all the work around the house. That makes me feel so guilty. I should take care of him because that is my job. He does his job by providing for us and it is my job to take care of him and our home. I do good to get dinner ready by the time he gets off work, and there are more and more days that I am not able to even do that. I want to be able to clean the house, do the laundry, and give him a break when he gets home. I want to be able to relax with him and show him ;) how much I appreciate all that he does for me. Endometriosis takes that ability away from me each and every day. It takes its toll on how I value myself. He tells me constantly that it is beyond my control, and logically I know he is right. Emotionally I feel as though I am a burden. I cost so much money, and occupy so much of his time (not in a good way). He holds my hand and tells me that he knew what he was getting into when he got together with me and he wouldn't change his decision. I must say, he did know, because I told him exactly what he was getting. I didn't want either of us to get too invested if it was something that he didn't see coming and couldn't handle.
It is just hard to sit and watch life as it passes you by. You watch everyone go to concerts, amusement parks, camping, or to the lake, and all you can do is wish you could join them. Your friends have children and go to school plays or ball games and post, on social networks, how excited they are to watch their accomplishments. You just watch and wish that you could feel the way they feel.
I know I am long winded and can tend to be all over the place, but I believe that it is important to share all of this. There are others that experience these feelings of discontent with the hand that endo has dealt them. I know I am not alone. I hear the stories and sympathize completely. I write all of these thoughts and experiences in the hopes that I can let that one person, that feels like no one understands, know that she is not alone. She isn't crazy or lazy. She is important and matters. I found a blog that helped me and I think that it is only right for me to pay it forward.
It is my hope that you walk away with a little more understanding and sympathy for the people that cross your path that suffer from an invisible and/or incurable illness. It is also my hope that if you suffer from endometriosis, you found a place to find the understanding and sympathy that you can't always get elsewhere in your life.
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