Relationships and Endometriosis

I have seen a lot here lately about women who are living with endometriosis and the relationships that they have. Many of us can sympathize with everyone that has that person or persons in their life that do not comprehend or understand the complications that arise when living with or being related to someone that has this disorder. Many of our relationships suffer because of what we live with, try to hide, and sometimes fall apart from. Relationships can include personal and professional, family, friends, and spouses.
I have had several relationships fall apart. Several of my family members are no longer a part of my life due to their lack of empathy, understanding, and/or support. Prime example, my mother. She is a NURSE and has told me so many hurtful things, that I finally got to a point where it was easier to avoid and ignore her, then it was to hear or live with the negativity that she was adding.

I have lost many romantic relationships due to the lack of the ABILITY to have sexual intercourse. The way I see it is that if your significant other truly loves you, they will be able to cope with the fact that sex is not going to be plentiful or regular. It hurts some of us to have sex. It isn't because we don't WANT to, it is because we aren't ABLE. The act of sex is supposed to be fun and feel good. If it hurts, and someone that claims that they love you is insisting that you go through it, they only care about themselves. Love is supposed to feel good, not hurt. There are times in every relationship that it can hurt, but sex shouldn't be one of them.
Sex isn't the only aspect that can ruin a romantic relationship. I can only speak from my experiences, but I believe that I am not the only one that experiences the feelings that I have. I am very hard on myself and that tends to present itself as an attitude. The lack of the ability to do "normal", everyday things, is very stressful. In past relationships I have been accused of being dramatic, making it out to be worse than it is, or being lazy. The guilt that I feel for being in so much pain that I can't stand to clean, vacuum, or get laundry done, is so heavy. For someone, that is supposed to love and care about me, to come home and make me feel even worse is not accomplishing anything. There is no making it worse than it is, it is actually doing my best to cover up how bad it is. I will make myself hurt worse by trying to get things around the house done. I will cry and apologize for the things that I don't get accomplished. If I don't see that there is understanding and compassion for what I am putting myself through, then I know that my love is stronger than what I am receiving. It is important to know that you aren't getting into a relationship with blinders on. I would much rather scare someone off before my heart gets too involved, then invest my heart and soul, only to figure out that I am stronger than the other person is.

When I met my husband, I laid it all out there. We were friends first, which I find extremely important and helpful. With all the failed relationships I had had in my life, I wanted to try something different. I had gotten into a car accident a few months before I met my husband, Danny. I was dealing with insurance and lawyers and going to countless doctors. I was also in the process of dealing with issues from my endo and so it had all piled up. When I met Danny, I told him that I was at a point in my life that I was unable to have a "relationship" but wanted to surround myself with people that wanted to get to know me for me. I wanted someone to learn who I was and what I was about, and if that happened, then I would consider taking steps toward getting into a relationship. We spent several months together, as friends. We went to family functions, went to dinner and a movie a few times, and had long, meaningful conversations. When I say meaningful conversations, I mean we talked about the things that actually matter. I told him that I had suffered from endometriosis since I started my period at 13. (This is how I figured I would run him off if he wasn't up for the task of being something more than a friend.) I told him about my history with my family (not a good one) and about all the things that I find important about myself. That includes the things that are not so great about me. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and my anxiety tends to rear its ugly head and causes my mouth to overload my rear end at times. I explained that my biggest issue was finding someone that could learn the difference between my anxiety and hormonal attitude, and me just being a witch. As I said, I laid it all out there. I can't tell you that our life was easy. I can't tell you that we didn't have our share of fights and blowups. I can tell you that laying everything out there before I agreed to become his girl made a big difference. Our first year was hard. We had to learn each others behavior and attitude. Now that we have been together for seven and a half years, I apologize for all the things that I don't get accomplished and he says, "I knew what I was getting into before we started, and I am here to help you through it."
Danny is a strong man. He isn't a push over or submissive in any way, shape, form or fashion. He has a temper and can be stubborn as all get out. He has a huge heart and is compassionate. He is perfect for me and my illness because he is enough grizzly bear mixed with teddy bear. He fights with me when I am able to fight and fights for me when I am not that strong. The aggravation that he feels and shows when I see a doctor that is dismissive of my pain/illness, shows me just how lucky I am to have him.  I make sure to tell him as much as I can, how thankful I am that he loves me enough to deal with such a broken wife.

Friendship is tested when you suffer from a disorder that is not well known, understood, or able to be cured. Trying to explain to someone the complications of this illness is a long conversation. It is even harder for a friend to understand when they visit and they see that you are walking around like there is nothing wrong. I have had days that I walk around very slowly and hunched over, but continue to try to participate with my friends. I can see how it would look to other people that I am being overly dramatic. If they were to hurt the way that I am, or saying that I am, they would stay in one spot and not move. The reality is that I lose out on a lot of things in life and when I have someone that has taken the time to come and see me, I want to make sure that they don't regret their decision to come. I will make myself hurt even more in order to feel like I am being a good hostess. I don't want my friends to come to my house and have to do things themselves. I want to be able to show them what I am working on (my crochet stuff) and all the things that I have actually been able to accomplish. I hate looking like "that" friend that does nothing all day but eat bon bons and their spouse waits on them hand and foot. Most friends aren't able to cope with having a friend that needs so much support and understanding. I am in my early thirties and most of my friends have kids, go on vacations, or go to the lake. Due to the extent of my illness, all of those things are impossible. The furthest I go from home is to see my endo specialist 3 hours away. I have had a miscarriage and it doesn't look like having a child is going to be possible for me. My friends who have children don't know what to say or how to act, and therefore our friendship usually fades.
Professional Relationships: When you suffer from Endometriosis, it can cause lots of missed days or poor productivity due to severe pain. It is difficult for employers or coworkers to understand why they should rely on someone that has so many issues getting their job done. Especially when there are so many other people in the workforce that don't have those problems and can be at work more regularly.

I know that there are many women out there that struggle with their relationships. I have been there and done that. Lessons that I have learned have been hard ones. It isn't always easy to walk away from the relationships that you have, but most of the time it is necessary. I fight my illness every single day. I don't want to fight with the people in my life about my illness too. I am sure that I am not the only one that feels that way. Living with pain and guilt is a burden all in itself, so it is important that you stay true to yourself and find someone that can support and protect you when you don't have the strength to do it yourself. You teach people how to treat you and if you let anyone in your life talk down to you, they will continue to do so because they can and you let them. Let them go, whether it be your family, friends, spouses, boyfriends, or coworkers. If your job doesn't get it, find a job where they will be more flexible (I know easier said than done). If your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, or uncle make comments that hurt or offend, TELL THEM. If they dismiss it or continue doing what they are doing, then walk away and don't engage. If you have a spouse or significant other that says hurtful things and/or treats you like crap for things that you have no control over, walk away. You deserve better from someone who claims to love you. If you have friends that fade away, let them go. You are stronger than they are, and that makes you a better person. I have been hurt, in so many ways, by the people in my life that were supposed to love, support, and protect me. I have learned that there are very few people in life that you can count on. Being related by blood to someone does not guarantee that you will get the support or love that you need. You learn who you can count on by learning how someone copes with the hardships in life. When you are down, do they kick you, or do they hold your hand and do their best to help you up? Do they point out ways to make yourself better (in their opinion), or do they ask how they can help you feel better? Are they there to get something from you or are they there to offer you their support?
Trust me, I know how hard it is to walk away. I have not had a family. My mother hasn't been there for me in any way that truly counts. My father died when I was little. I have looked for love in so many wrong places and have gotten my fair share of hurt. There just has to come a point in your life when you figure out that you like who you are. I don't like endometriosis/adenomyosis, or any of the complications that I have to endure. I do like me. My illness doesn't define me, and it isn't who I am. Don't let anyone else define you or make you feel like you are not worth the time and effort. Love who you are and respect the fact that you are stronger than most people walking this earth. You live with pain that can keep most people confined to their beds. You live with the guilt and disappointment of the things that you have lost or won't be able to accomplish, and you do it with a smile on your face. You hide the feelings that you feel and pain that cripples you. That means you FIGHT LIKE A GIRL and you should be proud of that. Please don't let anyone take that away from you. If you have people in your life that just don't get it, then find someone who does.  A good support system really does mean the world to your quality of life.