Learning to smile

Today something happened that made me really think and appreciate what has been given to me. When living with endometriosis it is so easy to lose sight of what I am thankful for. It is easy to see all the things that I can't do and what endo has taken from me. I sit and feel guilty for not being able to clean my house the way I should, be affectionate with my husband, or even go to the store and walk around. I forget that there are many things in life that I can be happy about, even when I am hurting. 

So my husband and I were heading to Walmart, to get some groceries, and he said he was so happy to finally see a smile on my face again. It kind of hit me hard, like when you are punched in the gut and can't catch your breath. I realized in that moment, and I think even more as I am writing this, that I had let the Endo take away my joy. I used to make jokes, the kind of jokes that made normal conversation into something a little raunchy. I used to smile so big my cheeks would hurt. I grew up in not the best of circumstances and so I appreciate all of the little things. I am easily amused and it doesn't take much to thrill the life out of me. Somewhere I have forgotten to continue to be me. 

My husband has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. He does everything in his power to make me feel special, important, and loved. No one in my life has ever been so selfless when it comes to me. He puts me first and he is so understanding and kind when it comes to living with a wife that is so ill. 

I am soon going to be having a hysterectomy and having both ovaries removed, and he knows how much I am struggling with it. He knows I make jokes and when I am hurting I tell him that it can't get done fast enough, but I am having a hard time with the fact that I can't make him a daddy. We have a truck that is getting up there in miles and fter my surgery in April we had to travel 3 hours home in the truck and it hurt so bad. He kept apologizing for every bump he hit, and looked at me with such concern, it made me feel so bad for putting him through that. So, he came up with a solution, and he bought me a car. It is a 2011 Hyundai Sonata GLS and has so many bells and whistles, that I am giddy every time I figure something else out. On the way to get groceries he was happy because he had figured out a way to make me smile over and over again. He had figured out a way to make trips to the grocery store, to visit family, and trips to the doctor more comfortable. He got to see me smiling instead of crying and that brought him such joy. 

When we arrived home, we put away the groceries, and started cooking dinner. I told him thank you for everything that he does for me. I also apologized for not being a better wife and costing him so much money in the process. I told him that I feel so bad that I can't repay him for all he does for me. His response was exceptionally sweet. He told me that I do a lot and that I make him happy and that is enough for him. He asked me if he is understanding enough. I almost fell apart, but I held it together and told him that he was beyond understanding. My husband grabbed me and kissed me with such passion. He told me, without saying a word, how much he loves and appreciates me. He made me feel so special and loved.

I grew up thinking that I wasn't worth loving or sticking around for. I thought that there was something wrong with me, and I was told that regularly. I didn't know that someone could love me the way that I love them. I didn't know that sense of security or feeling like there was no better place than home. I truly didn't know that someone could love me just the way I am or that unconditional love truly existed. Today it was driven home how much I know, understand and feel all of those things. With a few simple words spoken by the person that has taught me so much, I realized that the endometriosis was taking more than it deserves. My husband deserves a wife that smiles, laughs, and makes him giggle when I twist what he says. 😊 He deserves a wife that finds reasons to smile, even on the days that I feel like doing anything but. I may not be able to do all the things I want for him, but I can learn to not let the endometriosis take away the things that make him so happy. 

Living with this illness is more than just trying at times. It can make me feel like there is no end to the pain and that there is not much more than I can take. It has taken my ability to have my husbands child, but I can't let it take away the relationship that I have waited my whole life for. I can't continue to let it take away the person that he fell for. In the year to come I am going to do my very best to show my husband that he gives me plenty of reasons to smile. I don't smile because he buys me things, I smile because he does everything in his power to help me live with endo. He tries his best to help me deal with the pain and figure out ways to ease it. I smile because he makes me feel like I am loved and wanted and there is no other feeling like that in the world. I smile because he has given me a place that truly is a home. I smile because he fights endometriosis right along beside me, hand in hand. I smile because he loves me enough to want to make me smile. 

I have a goal to not let the endo take away anymore than it already has. I won't let it continue to take away who I am. I will fight to raise awareness, to show my support, and to smile more often. I wish that everyone could be as blessed as I have been. As much as the endometriosis has taken, it has given me a lot too. I have been given a man that truly loves me and many sisters that support and understand me. I will look for the things that this illness has given me instead of focusing on what it has taken away. I hope that my endosisters and their friends and family can join me in matching this goal.💛   

 millionwomenmarch2014.org  dkbcrochetworks.com

Ignorance and endo

I hope that everyone enjoyed their holiday, had lots of good food, and enjoyed family/friends. If you were like me then you had all of the above, but had at least one person that showed ignorance when it came to you and your illness. 

I said one time, "Your ignorance may be bliss, but it isn't to the people that have to put up with it", and I think it fits this post. 

There is always at least one person that does not understand, or empathize, with what you go through while living with endo. 

I spoke with some of my family about what may be coming up, to treat my adenomyosis and endometriosis. My husband and I are considering a hysterectomy because my quality of life is so poor. I wanted to let my family know so that when the time comes, IF we need help, they are expecting it. One of the family members asked why we would need help and said that my Dr must not know what he is doing because I am still so ill. She was at the hospital when I had my surgery (in April) and said that when the doctor came out, he said that he had gotten all of the endo. I tried to explain to her what he said. When we spoke with him, he told me that he thought he had gotten it all, but due to me being among the worst he had seen, he couldn't be certain. I had a large amount of adhesions (postop report said anatomy was unrecognizable), had an advance stage IV endo, and adeno. He told us that he took out all the endo he could see, but couldn't guarantee he got it all because of everything that he found when he got in there. He said that he could have missed some on the back side of my uterus. I explained and she dismissed me. Then she proceeded to tell me that when my mother in law had her hysterectomy (mind you she didn't have endo or adhesions), that she was up and doing stuff the very next day. My mother in law corrected her and told her that she wasn't up and around for 2 weeks. She also told her that she was supposed to take it easy for 3 mo, but because she had 5 children to take care of, one that had CF, she did a lot that she wasn't supposed to do. I was appreciative that my mother in law spoke up, but it didn't deter my other family member from dismissing me. 

The reason I am sharing is because I woke up this morning thinking about it. The thoughts of hurt, disbelief, and disappointment would not leave my head. I understand that everyone has their own lives and it is not always understood what another person is going through. The thing I don't understand is why another woman could not be more sensitive to the fact that I am having a major surgery that may make me dependent on others for a little while. It is also going to take away my dreams of having a child. When she said, "They only make 3 incisions, it's not like they cut you open anymore" it cut like a knife in more ways than one. She was rather sarcastic in her remarks with no regard for my feelings or the fact that I am scared. 

Those people that are ignorant or just don't care about you enough to lend an ear or helping hand, are in each of our lives. As long as we have atleast one person that is supportive and understanding, then we can let the others live in their ignorant bliss. After talking to my husband about it, we came to the conclusion that she may not know how to handle it all. Not everyone can handle having an ill person in their life or being the shoulder to cry on. Not everyone can be selfless when someone else needs them to be. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. My husband and I will figure it all out, and will be stronger because of it. 

We trust my doctor and know that he does the very best that he can to help. We know that there is no cure and that there are no guarantees that I will ever be pain/complication free. 

I am reminded of the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I sometimes wish that I could treat people the way they treat me. No, I really don't. I see myself as better than that. Though I know that I can't make myself hurt worse in order to do for those that can't make any sacrifice to help my husband and I when we need it. Putting myself through excruciating pain is a huge sacrifice that I have made in order to help everyone that I care about. If the sacrifice is made in vain, then it is not worth it. If it is not appreciated then it will not be sacrificed again. 

I no longer feel the need to plead for understanding or help because I am a strong woman. I have made it through a lot of things all by myself. Now I am blessed with a loving and supportive husband that will hold my hand through it all. He will pick me up when I fall, and protect me from everything that I can't fight. 

It hurts when you lose respect for a loved one because you figure out your love for them is stronger than their love for you. It hurts that I doubted myself, because I put so much stock in how she feels and what she thinks of me. It hurts that she looks at me as someone who should just get over it. It really hurts that she can't understand that I wanted to have a child and that I may need help coping with the loss after the surgery. 

It will hurt for a while but we can only do so much to get understanding and support. We can't force someone to learn/do something they don't care to know/do. We can just hope that they come around someday. If they don't, then they are the ones missing out. Knowledge is power and love is long lasting. My loyalty is unwavering and I will always be there when needed. We can't let everyone else make us bitter, because then they get the best part of who we are. Hard to walk away, but sometimes can be healthier in the long run. 

I hope this is helpful to someone out there who is going through a similar situation. We are Endo Sisters and we share a bond, over a 176 million strong. You are all a part of my support and I am a part of yours. Family and friends may not always comprehend, but our Endo Sisters always do. 💛