Our Pleas Are Being Heard

There is something to be said for all the information that is starting to come out about endometriosis. It almost seems like our pleas for help are actually being heard. I am seeing new information being posted everyday. I think that we may just start getting better care. I am looking forward to the EndoMarch2014. It is going to show the world that we are not giving up. We will shout from the rooftops and bang on doors in order to get the treatment we deserve. We suffer like many cancer patients do, yet we don't get the same sympathy or understanding. Our families look at us like we are crazy, or lazy. We are treated like we should get over it, suck it up, take Midol and get to work. If endometriosis were classified as the cancer type illness that it is, then maybe our the insurance company would pay more of our medical costs. We may be able to get on disability, as some of us are in the bathroom or in bed all day. Maybe we would have more effective treatments available to us so that we would have a chance to live a more "normal" life. Just maybe we would have national coverage of Endometriosis Awareness month, the way that everyone covers Breast Cancer Awareness. 

We can only hope that this trend continues. I am seeing more and more studies and news stories on our hidden passenger. As soon as I see them, I share them. I do my best to spread awareness and gain friends everyday for doing so. I love that there are so many of us that are standing up and speaking out. It would be wonderful to be able to attend the Endometriosis March on March 13, 2014. The scarves that I make will be around the necks of many women that are attending and that will have to be good enough for me. The march is just another way to spread awareness and I think that it is another stepping stone in the long path to finding a cure. 

If you would like to learn of all the new information that is beginning to circulate, join Facebook or Twitter and find me. Anytime something is shared, I pass it on. You can learn new things and have better conversations with your endo specialist.

Struggling but Fighting

Days seem to get longer and longer with each passing day. I notice that I am having a harder and harder time dealing with this illness. I have suffered for 20 years and each year it gets worse. If I really think about the progression of the illness, and the pain associated with it, I think I may just give up. The pain is so unbearable now, and next year at this time, I can't even comprehend how I would deal with it. 

I have been in some pretty bad pain for the last few days. I will be starting any day, and my uterus and ovaries are punishing me. My husband says I am stubborn and always try to do too much and end up paying for it later, so he came up with a solution. He went and picked up a slew of movies and sat down and watched them with me. He knew if he was up and doing stuff I would figure out a way to help, or do something else that needed to be done. I know it killed him to sit all day for the last 2 days, but he was content because he knew I wasn't over doing it. So let me actually get back to the point. The movies we rented were apparently scratched and we were missing big chunks of the movie. We only paid half price for the rentals so I told my husband, "I guess we only get to watch the half of the movie we paid for." Of course we both started laughing and I immediately started crying. Laughing hurt so bad that I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt so bad. My husband hates it when I cry because he feels helpless to do anything about it. I usually do everything in my power to be strong. I cry when he isn't there, but every now and then I can't help it. Today it made me so mad. We were having a good time and the pain had to remind me that I couldn't do that today. For just a split second the old me was there. I was light hearted and quick witted. It disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. 

I am struggling with the unknowns. I have been reading a lot of articles about Endo lately and it is a bit discouraging at times. The unknown is what is so scary for me. I had a surgery in April thinking that the outcome would be less pain. Needless to say that wasn't the outcome. My Endo was so much worse than the specialist had thought and therefore the outcome wasn't as predicted. I have severe endometriosis and adenomyosis so the next course of treatment is to have a hysterectomy. The fear I have is that I won't get enough relief from it. The majority of my pain is around my periods and so we think that taking my uterus will take care of the adenomyosis. Taking my ovaries will prevent the endometriomas from growing back on them, and therefore reducing my pain. What if it doesn't work? What am I going to do? I am scared that it is just going to exacerbate another complication from having endometriosis. I am scared that it won't take care of the amount of pain that I need it to. I know that it won't cure the Endo. I know what it won't do, but it is what I don't know that it will do that is scary. 

There are no guarantees when it comes to having surgery to treat this illness. I have an excellent specialist, but he doesn't seem to know much about how to treat the other organs that can be invaded by the endo. He knows how to excise it, but he doesn't do resectioning of the colon, nor does he know how to find it in the colon muscle. I talked to him about the issues that I was having with going to the bathroom and he told me that the only gastro doctor that he knew, in the area, that could identify it in the muscle of the colon, had passed away. He hasn't been able to find another doctor that could. So that essentially told me that if that was an issue, I would have to be able to travel to the CEC, or find another doctor that was closer. 

I am not able to work, other than selling my crochet items, and that doesn't earn us much money. My husband works hard in the oil field as a welder, but he doesn't make the kind of money he should. We aren't at poverty level, but we live paycheck to paycheck most of the time. We have paid off our house and our vehicle, but with medical bills, we can't afford to buy another vehicle. I hate being such a burden to my husband. We can't afford the travel to go to different doctors, or for the hotel stays. Heck, I owe over $100,000 in medical bills just for this year alone. That means that if we didn't pay for gas, groceries, electricity, water, or cell phones, we could pay off the debt over the next three years.

I broke down tonight and told my husband that I was scared. I have been trying to so hard not to burden him more than I already do. I just broke down tonight and couldn't keep it bottled up. I felt helpless and didn't know how to hold it all in. Why does the endo have to take away laughter from me? It seems that it just keeps taking more and more. I am losing pieces of me, bit by bit. There used to be a time where I would crack jokes constantly. I used to twist what people said and make it funny. I don't do that so much any more. I think you have to be happy in order to be funny, and I am just not that happy. My husband does everything in his power to make me smile and keep my spirits up, but sometimes it just isn't enough. I am fighting the depressive feelings that keep creeping in. The best way to fight them is with laughter, and I can't laugh. 

I know I am not alone and that I have plenty of support from my endosisters. I know that things will look better in the next week or so. Until that time comes, I have to fight to stay positive, strong, and light hearted. It is definitely a fight for me. I have been in pain almost all my life. I was physically abused by a step father, raped by a grandfather, and now have severe endo. I really need a break from the pain. I fought people growing up and now I have to fight my own body. I have survived so much brutality and I will survive this too. I have always fought like a girl and I won't give up now.

More Questions Than Answers

I am sure that many of you talk to family and friends about your illness. If you are like me, you come across those friends and family members that ask questions that you don't have an answer for. I have also run into the occasional person that has a "suggestion" that sounds good, though not at all plausible, or the suggestion is completely insane. I have very close friends and a few family members that want to truly know how I am and what is going on with my treatment. As I explain things to them, I am confused myself about this horrid illness and the treatments, or should I say temporary solutions to a few of the complications. 

I was sitting at the table today explaining what the doctor found at my last appointment and the treatment options that were offered. I then had to explain that even though we chose an option that will treat an issue, it won't solve the other complications. The look on my family members face was perplexed. She asked why this wasn't treated like they treat cancer. I didn't have a good answer other than to say it wasn't cancer. She then asked why I couldn't get disability, especially since she has watched my health fade for a few years now. Again, I had no good answer. (My husband and I proceeded to tell her about the March for Endo and what they are trying to get accomplished). She asked some very good questions but she also asked questions that weren't possible. One the questions was why can't they get all the hormones out of your body to starve the Endo? That didn't make sense to me. I understand why she would think that, seeing that I explained that the Endo is progesterone and estrogen, but how can you strip every cell in the human body of those hormones? (That question reminded me of my days working in the ICU. We would have a person that was badly injured and would be brain dead or severely brain damaged and a family member would ask if they could have a brain transplant. Yes you read that right, a brain transplant. I understand where they were coming from. They were losing someone they loved and wanted to find any answers they could to hold onto them. It is still one of those questions that is absolutely impossible.) She has watched me suffer and decline and she is grasping at straws to try and figure out a way to help me and I love her for it. 

After explaining everything and going round and round, we decided that it was time to get off such a dreary subject and join everyone else in more delightful topics.

I came home and on my Facebook wall there was a friend asking how to explain Endo and the fact that she is having a complete hysterectomy to her father. She was unsure how to explain it all to him. I put in my two cents and told her that all she could really do was explain it to him the way the doctor explained it to her. Tell him what you understand endometriosis to be. Then explain to him the treatment options you were given and the pros and cons of each option. The next step would be to tell him which option you chose and why you think that option is the best one for you. The last step is to ask if he has any questions or concerns. All you can do is answer them to the best of your ability and seek answers that you don't know, by calling your Endo specialist and asking. I told her that I was unsure if that was helpful, but that is the best that I could come up with.

I understand where she is coming from. It is hard to talk to loved ones about this illness. It is hard to tell them that you made a decision to do something that may make you life better, but there is no guarantee. For me it is hard to tell someone that I have chosen to have a hysterectomy but I am struggling with the decision because I have no children, and I am afraid that I won't get the relief that I need. It is hard to explain that you trust your doctor, and then tell them that he tells you that he can't guarantee that it will fix anything. He can't guarantee that it will make my pain better. He can't guarantee that it will prevent future surgeries. Most of all he can't tell me that he will fix it or cure it. It is hard to explain that even though I am going through the surgeries and trying to live with the decisions, that I am scared that the outcome will be no better than what I am currently living with. It is hard to explain all that and then not be apprehensive of the response I'll receive from them. 

So I regress. I am left with more questions and no closer to finding the answers. I am left leaving a loved one just as confused as I am. I am left just as frustrated, angry, and sad as them. We all struggle with this illness and with the frustration of having no answers. We all feel, at times, like there will be no end to our pain. Then to top it off, we then have to live with the fact that we have burdened our family with our illness. We have spouses, (some of us) children, siblings, parents, and friends that have to pick up the slack where we fall short. They have to deal with the fact that we won't always be able to participate in the big moments in their life. I believe that the people that live with us are the ones that are affected the most and get as frustrated as we do. Day in and day out they have to watch us suffer and do everything in our power to act like it is ok. They have to listen as we are told that there is no cure and that this may be an issue for the rest of our lives. They have to try and figure out the answers and get no where right along beside us. 

I feel like I am rambling on and on and being so negative on a day that is supposed to be filled with joy. I wrote this post because I found it intriguing that I was having difficulty explaining it to my family, and to myself, and I come home to find out that I am not the only one. As many people as I talk to, that suffer from this illness, it still surprises me when I find out am going through the same experience as someone else that is living with endo. It reminds me that writing this blog can be helpful. If I am having the same experience as someone I know, there has to be other women that are experiencing it too. We all seem to share a bond that no one else can comprehend. I feel it is my purpose in life to help other people live to see the day that a cure is found. I want to help young ladies and women everywhere to hold onto hope, and not give in to endometriosis. We don't have all the answers now, but there are wonderful Endo specialists that are working hard to help us find them. 

Sometimes the answers you seek are just a click away. Sometimes it is comforting to know you aren't the only one thinking about this, feeling like that, or trying to find an answer that seems to be buried. Sometimes you relate to someone else and find answers without really looking. I hope I can help someone else the way others have helped me. We are over 176million strong, and together we will find the answers we need.  💛

What is to come

Have some news. I went to the doc last Tuesday and found out why I am having so many issues and pain. It is suspected that I have Endometriomas on both ovaries, my adeno has gotten significantly worse (they can tell by how much bigger one side of my uterus is since the last sono), and my ovaries are both adhered. It is also suspected that the majority, if not all, of my previous adhesion's have returned. When my sonogram was done, it was proven that my left ovary moves with my uterus and therefore suspected to be adhered to it. My right ovary was more painful than my left and is suspected to be adhered back to my bowel. My ovaries hurt worse than my uterus did. Although every aspect of the sonogram was quite painful. It hurt worse this go around than it did 8 months ago.
The sonogram tech is a wonderful lady. She is as gentle as she can be, and explains everything she is doing/seeing as she does it. She put my sonogram from 8 months ago up and compared it to the current sono as she looked at everything. My mind was not into looking at both sonos. I was having trouble dealing with the pain and being able to concentrate and follow along with what she was finding and explaining. Thank the good Lord above for my husband. He was comparing the old sono pic with what he was seeing and said that the adeno had made the posterior/back side of my uterus about 65% larger than it was 8 months ago.
After discussing the findings with my specialist, we have come to the conclusion that the best course of treatment for me, at this stage in the game, is to take out my uterus and ovaries. The adeno is progressively getting worse, and the only way to cure that is to have the uterus taken out. My ovaries are continuing to get adhered to other organs and are developing endometriomas and cysts, so they are not able to function correctly and causing a significant amount of pain.
I am not going to get into the feelings that I have on this today. I just wanted to update what the doctor had found. Since the sonogram, I have had significant pain. I called the Dr and was told that the sono may have aggravated some things and that I need to take it easy and let the area heal/calm down. I have felt like I am on my monthly and I haven't been since last Tuesday. I am having some spotting from time to time, but barely noticeable except for when I use the restroom.
This illness has taken so much from me. My hope is that the hysterectomy will bring me SOME relief from SOME of the pain, so that I may be able to actually live a portion of my life. I will be 33 in March, in fact four days after the EndoMarch2014. I suspect that I will be recovering from surgery while everyone is marching. Maybe I can get just enough relief to be able to make it to next years march! I know that it will not cure my endometriosis, and I know that it won't fix the adhesion problem, but I also know that I won't have adenomyosis anymore and no more periods. Hoping that it will be enough to allow me to clean my house and help my husband more with some of the things we need to get done. I need at least a little relief. Something would be better than nothing, as I am hitting my breaking point.

I hope everyone is having a better week than I. If you haven't signed up or heard about the EndoMarch2014, please look into it. The more people that know, the more awareness we spread.
www.millionwomanmarch2014.org
You can also get your Endometriosis Support Ribbon Scarves on my website: www.dkbcrochetworks.com A portion of each sale is donated to your states GoFund account to help get to the EndoMarch. When the date has passed for the EndoMarch, I will start to donate to a charity to help fund the search for a cure.
I want to make sure that no one thinks I am trying to get rich by selling these. Each scarf takes me about 4 hours to make, I make about $12/scarf, so it averages out to around $3/hour.

Sleeping on the couch

So anyone with this wonderful disorder, knows that there are days that the pain is severe and the flow is extremely heavy. When those days hit me, I am forced to sleep on our reclining couch. 

I am currently experiencing AF and for the last 2 days I have been confined to my couch and the bathroom. I attempted to go to bed my first night and I couldn't get comfortable. Laying on my back made my lower back hurt worse, laying on my stomach was not even an option, and lying on my side made my cramps worse. Couch here I come. Grabbed my heating pad, neck pillow, meds, glass of tea, and a towel. Slowly I made my way to the living room and placed the towel on the seat. As I am sure you all have experienced, the movement made the cramps unbearable. I reached over the arm of the couch and grabbed my short brown extension cord so that I could plug in my heating pad. My husband and I have learned that I am unable to bend over to plug in anything into a socket, so we set up a short extension cord that can be easily reached when I need it. After heating pad was turned on, it was time to get it situated to cover as much as my stomach as possible. The heating pad can't have to much pressure against my stomach, but has to have a little pressure to keep it against my skin for maximum effect. (We almost have to become experts to get some sort of relief.) I then sat there and cried until my meds kicked in and the heating pad started to work. So pain level went from a 10 to about an 8 1/2. Needless to say I didn't get much sleep. I took more meds around 4am and hubby woke me up making coffee at 5am. He apologized for waking me up (he knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep, but hadn't expected me to be on the couch). Of course I told him no biggie. I then started writhing in pain again. He asked when I took meds last and I told him an hour ago. I ended up taking some OTC CVS PMS meds (lots of caps there, lol). Hubby sat down and drank some coffee. I guess I was so worn out that I fell asleep crying. I woke up about 3 hrs later to a lot of pain, a clean kitchen, a working washer and dryer, and a husband asking me if I was ready for coffee. The only up side to this illness, for me, is I get to see just how much my husband understands this illness, and how much he loves me. 

Fast forward. I ended up bleeding extremely heavy, going through a pad every hour. The pain was excruciating and I knew it was another couch night. With such a heavy flow, I am unable to lay down. Pads are the only thing I can use, as tampons make the pain worse. The pads are not the most reliable form of protection when laying down and sleeping, especially when you are flowing like you're Niagara Falls and passing blood clots the size of golf balls and bigger.  Luckily I still had everything I needed around the couch, so I didn't have to prepare again. Another sleepless night of pain, discomfort, and walking very slowly to the bathroom. (I am contemplating putting a small room with a toilet in the corner of my living room, lol). 

It is aggravating to me that not only do we deal with pain, we have to deal with everything else too. If a man came in bleeding like they were Niagara Falls, they would figure out a way to FIX it. It just isn't natural! We should be able to crawl into our bed every night and sleep. We should have the ability to lay in our bed. I am tired of taking pain meds. I am scared that the pain is never going to end. I want to help my husband clean the kitchen, buy groceries, and do the laundry. I want to live life, not watch it happen around me. I am so afraid that a cure is not going to be found and more women are going to hurt needlessly and lose all the life that we have lost. The only thing I can do is pray that a cure will be found and pray that I stay strong enough to make it through every visit from AF. I can also spread as much knowledge as possible and spread awareness. 

We all get scared and have a hard time believing that there will come a day when we will get relief. That belief and hope is all we have. We have to hold onto the hope with all of our hearts and souls, in order to have the strength to continue fighting. I believe that the illness that we live with makes us stronger than almost anyone else. We experience some of the worst pain and lose so much of our lives because of this disorder and all of its complications. Yet we continue to smile, fight, and conquer our fears to make it through it all. We are strong, we will fight, and we will find a cure. We will continue to share our stories and show our support until we get more answers and a cure is found. 

  Endometriosis Support Ribbon Scarves. Wear your support around your neck. dkbcrochetworks.com  A portion of each sale is donated. 

Ignorance and endo

I hope that everyone enjoyed their holiday, had lots of good food, and enjoyed family/friends. If you were like me then you had all of the above, but had at least one person that showed ignorance when it came to you and your illness. 

I said one time, "Your ignorance may be bliss, but it isn't to the people that have to put up with it", and I think it fits this post. 

There is always at least one person that does not understand, or empathize, with what you go through while living with endo. 

I spoke with some of my family about what may be coming up, to treat my adenomyosis and endometriosis. My husband and I are considering a hysterectomy because my quality of life is so poor. I wanted to let my family know so that when the time comes, IF we need help, they are expecting it. One of the family members asked why we would need help and said that my Dr must not know what he is doing because I am still so ill. She was at the hospital when I had my surgery (in April) and said that when the doctor came out, he said that he had gotten all of the endo. I tried to explain to her what he said. When we spoke with him, he told me that he thought he had gotten it all, but due to me being among the worst he had seen, he couldn't be certain. I had a large amount of adhesions (postop report said anatomy was unrecognizable), had an advance stage IV endo, and adeno. He told us that he took out all the endo he could see, but couldn't guarantee he got it all because of everything that he found when he got in there. He said that he could have missed some on the back side of my uterus. I explained and she dismissed me. Then she proceeded to tell me that when my mother in law had her hysterectomy (mind you she didn't have endo or adhesions), that she was up and doing stuff the very next day. My mother in law corrected her and told her that she wasn't up and around for 2 weeks. She also told her that she was supposed to take it easy for 3 mo, but because she had 5 children to take care of, one that had CF, she did a lot that she wasn't supposed to do. I was appreciative that my mother in law spoke up, but it didn't deter my other family member from dismissing me. 

The reason I am sharing is because I woke up this morning thinking about it. The thoughts of hurt, disbelief, and disappointment would not leave my head. I understand that everyone has their own lives and it is not always understood what another person is going through. The thing I don't understand is why another woman could not be more sensitive to the fact that I am having a major surgery that may make me dependent on others for a little while. It is also going to take away my dreams of having a child. When she said, "They only make 3 incisions, it's not like they cut you open anymore" it cut like a knife in more ways than one. She was rather sarcastic in her remarks with no regard for my feelings or the fact that I am scared. 

Those people that are ignorant or just don't care about you enough to lend an ear or helping hand, are in each of our lives. As long as we have atleast one person that is supportive and understanding, then we can let the others live in their ignorant bliss. After talking to my husband about it, we came to the conclusion that she may not know how to handle it all. Not everyone can handle having an ill person in their life or being the shoulder to cry on. Not everyone can be selfless when someone else needs them to be. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. My husband and I will figure it all out, and will be stronger because of it. 

We trust my doctor and know that he does the very best that he can to help. We know that there is no cure and that there are no guarantees that I will ever be pain/complication free. 

I am reminded of the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I sometimes wish that I could treat people the way they treat me. No, I really don't. I see myself as better than that. Though I know that I can't make myself hurt worse in order to do for those that can't make any sacrifice to help my husband and I when we need it. Putting myself through excruciating pain is a huge sacrifice that I have made in order to help everyone that I care about. If the sacrifice is made in vain, then it is not worth it. If it is not appreciated then it will not be sacrificed again. 

I no longer feel the need to plead for understanding or help because I am a strong woman. I have made it through a lot of things all by myself. Now I am blessed with a loving and supportive husband that will hold my hand through it all. He will pick me up when I fall, and protect me from everything that I can't fight. 

It hurts when you lose respect for a loved one because you figure out your love for them is stronger than their love for you. It hurts that I doubted myself, because I put so much stock in how she feels and what she thinks of me. It hurts that she looks at me as someone who should just get over it. It really hurts that she can't understand that I wanted to have a child and that I may need help coping with the loss after the surgery. 

It will hurt for a while but we can only do so much to get understanding and support. We can't force someone to learn/do something they don't care to know/do. We can just hope that they come around someday. If they don't, then they are the ones missing out. Knowledge is power and love is long lasting. My loyalty is unwavering and I will always be there when needed. We can't let everyone else make us bitter, because then they get the best part of who we are. Hard to walk away, but sometimes can be healthier in the long run. 

I hope this is helpful to someone out there who is going through a similar situation. We are Endo Sisters and we share a bond, over a 176 million strong. You are all a part of my support and I am a part of yours. Family and friends may not always comprehend, but our Endo Sisters always do. 💛

Relationships and Endometriosis

I have seen a lot here lately about women who are living with endometriosis and the relationships that they have. Many of us can sympathize with everyone that has that person or persons in their life that do not comprehend or understand the complications that arise when living with or being related to someone that has this disorder. Many of our relationships suffer because of what we live with, try to hide, and sometimes fall apart from. Relationships can include personal and professional, family, friends, and spouses.
I have had several relationships fall apart. Several of my family members are no longer a part of my life due to their lack of empathy, understanding, and/or support. Prime example, my mother. She is a NURSE and has told me so many hurtful things, that I finally got to a point where it was easier to avoid and ignore her, then it was to hear or live with the negativity that she was adding.

I have lost many romantic relationships due to the lack of the ABILITY to have sexual intercourse. The way I see it is that if your significant other truly loves you, they will be able to cope with the fact that sex is not going to be plentiful or regular. It hurts some of us to have sex. It isn't because we don't WANT to, it is because we aren't ABLE. The act of sex is supposed to be fun and feel good. If it hurts, and someone that claims that they love you is insisting that you go through it, they only care about themselves. Love is supposed to feel good, not hurt. There are times in every relationship that it can hurt, but sex shouldn't be one of them.
Sex isn't the only aspect that can ruin a romantic relationship. I can only speak from my experiences, but I believe that I am not the only one that experiences the feelings that I have. I am very hard on myself and that tends to present itself as an attitude. The lack of the ability to do "normal", everyday things, is very stressful. In past relationships I have been accused of being dramatic, making it out to be worse than it is, or being lazy. The guilt that I feel for being in so much pain that I can't stand to clean, vacuum, or get laundry done, is so heavy. For someone, that is supposed to love and care about me, to come home and make me feel even worse is not accomplishing anything. There is no making it worse than it is, it is actually doing my best to cover up how bad it is. I will make myself hurt worse by trying to get things around the house done. I will cry and apologize for the things that I don't get accomplished. If I don't see that there is understanding and compassion for what I am putting myself through, then I know that my love is stronger than what I am receiving. It is important to know that you aren't getting into a relationship with blinders on. I would much rather scare someone off before my heart gets too involved, then invest my heart and soul, only to figure out that I am stronger than the other person is.

When I met my husband, I laid it all out there. We were friends first, which I find extremely important and helpful. With all the failed relationships I had had in my life, I wanted to try something different. I had gotten into a car accident a few months before I met my husband, Danny. I was dealing with insurance and lawyers and going to countless doctors. I was also in the process of dealing with issues from my endo and so it had all piled up. When I met Danny, I told him that I was at a point in my life that I was unable to have a "relationship" but wanted to surround myself with people that wanted to get to know me for me. I wanted someone to learn who I was and what I was about, and if that happened, then I would consider taking steps toward getting into a relationship. We spent several months together, as friends. We went to family functions, went to dinner and a movie a few times, and had long, meaningful conversations. When I say meaningful conversations, I mean we talked about the things that actually matter. I told him that I had suffered from endometriosis since I started my period at 13. (This is how I figured I would run him off if he wasn't up for the task of being something more than a friend.) I told him about my history with my family (not a good one) and about all the things that I find important about myself. That includes the things that are not so great about me. I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and my anxiety tends to rear its ugly head and causes my mouth to overload my rear end at times. I explained that my biggest issue was finding someone that could learn the difference between my anxiety and hormonal attitude, and me just being a witch. As I said, I laid it all out there. I can't tell you that our life was easy. I can't tell you that we didn't have our share of fights and blowups. I can tell you that laying everything out there before I agreed to become his girl made a big difference. Our first year was hard. We had to learn each others behavior and attitude. Now that we have been together for seven and a half years, I apologize for all the things that I don't get accomplished and he says, "I knew what I was getting into before we started, and I am here to help you through it."
Danny is a strong man. He isn't a push over or submissive in any way, shape, form or fashion. He has a temper and can be stubborn as all get out. He has a huge heart and is compassionate. He is perfect for me and my illness because he is enough grizzly bear mixed with teddy bear. He fights with me when I am able to fight and fights for me when I am not that strong. The aggravation that he feels and shows when I see a doctor that is dismissive of my pain/illness, shows me just how lucky I am to have him.  I make sure to tell him as much as I can, how thankful I am that he loves me enough to deal with such a broken wife.

Friendship is tested when you suffer from a disorder that is not well known, understood, or able to be cured. Trying to explain to someone the complications of this illness is a long conversation. It is even harder for a friend to understand when they visit and they see that you are walking around like there is nothing wrong. I have had days that I walk around very slowly and hunched over, but continue to try to participate with my friends. I can see how it would look to other people that I am being overly dramatic. If they were to hurt the way that I am, or saying that I am, they would stay in one spot and not move. The reality is that I lose out on a lot of things in life and when I have someone that has taken the time to come and see me, I want to make sure that they don't regret their decision to come. I will make myself hurt even more in order to feel like I am being a good hostess. I don't want my friends to come to my house and have to do things themselves. I want to be able to show them what I am working on (my crochet stuff) and all the things that I have actually been able to accomplish. I hate looking like "that" friend that does nothing all day but eat bon bons and their spouse waits on them hand and foot. Most friends aren't able to cope with having a friend that needs so much support and understanding. I am in my early thirties and most of my friends have kids, go on vacations, or go to the lake. Due to the extent of my illness, all of those things are impossible. The furthest I go from home is to see my endo specialist 3 hours away. I have had a miscarriage and it doesn't look like having a child is going to be possible for me. My friends who have children don't know what to say or how to act, and therefore our friendship usually fades.
Professional Relationships: When you suffer from Endometriosis, it can cause lots of missed days or poor productivity due to severe pain. It is difficult for employers or coworkers to understand why they should rely on someone that has so many issues getting their job done. Especially when there are so many other people in the workforce that don't have those problems and can be at work more regularly.

I know that there are many women out there that struggle with their relationships. I have been there and done that. Lessons that I have learned have been hard ones. It isn't always easy to walk away from the relationships that you have, but most of the time it is necessary. I fight my illness every single day. I don't want to fight with the people in my life about my illness too. I am sure that I am not the only one that feels that way. Living with pain and guilt is a burden all in itself, so it is important that you stay true to yourself and find someone that can support and protect you when you don't have the strength to do it yourself. You teach people how to treat you and if you let anyone in your life talk down to you, they will continue to do so because they can and you let them. Let them go, whether it be your family, friends, spouses, boyfriends, or coworkers. If your job doesn't get it, find a job where they will be more flexible (I know easier said than done). If your mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, or uncle make comments that hurt or offend, TELL THEM. If they dismiss it or continue doing what they are doing, then walk away and don't engage. If you have a spouse or significant other that says hurtful things and/or treats you like crap for things that you have no control over, walk away. You deserve better from someone who claims to love you. If you have friends that fade away, let them go. You are stronger than they are, and that makes you a better person. I have been hurt, in so many ways, by the people in my life that were supposed to love, support, and protect me. I have learned that there are very few people in life that you can count on. Being related by blood to someone does not guarantee that you will get the support or love that you need. You learn who you can count on by learning how someone copes with the hardships in life. When you are down, do they kick you, or do they hold your hand and do their best to help you up? Do they point out ways to make yourself better (in their opinion), or do they ask how they can help you feel better? Are they there to get something from you or are they there to offer you their support?
Trust me, I know how hard it is to walk away. I have not had a family. My mother hasn't been there for me in any way that truly counts. My father died when I was little. I have looked for love in so many wrong places and have gotten my fair share of hurt. There just has to come a point in your life when you figure out that you like who you are. I don't like endometriosis/adenomyosis, or any of the complications that I have to endure. I do like me. My illness doesn't define me, and it isn't who I am. Don't let anyone else define you or make you feel like you are not worth the time and effort. Love who you are and respect the fact that you are stronger than most people walking this earth. You live with pain that can keep most people confined to their beds. You live with the guilt and disappointment of the things that you have lost or won't be able to accomplish, and you do it with a smile on your face. You hide the feelings that you feel and pain that cripples you. That means you FIGHT LIKE A GIRL and you should be proud of that. Please don't let anyone take that away from you. If you have people in your life that just don't get it, then find someone who does.  A good support system really does mean the world to your quality of life.